Friday, December 12, 2008

NOW YOU SEE IT AND NOW YOU... SEE IT AGAIN



So, I don't know why but almost everywhere I go people somehow find out that I am blogging about dating abuse. It's kind of weird, but whatever. Anyway, when this happens almost hands down someone in the company will start talking about how they know or knew someone close to them that was/is in an abusive relationship. Then everyone will start briefly discussing the topic, recounting their own personal experiences and sharing their knowledge, understanding, and more often than not semi-skewed ideas about a quasi-definite definitions of abuse (and don't get me wrong they have experiences and therefore have every right to creative opinions, they are just missing a lot of parts) will come out. In the end two questions are asked of me ( like I'm an expert or something)...

1. What constitutes an abusive relationship?

2. How do I help someone in an abusive relationship get out or realize they are abusive?

For this post I will be addressing the later using research and information posted on a government website called fcd.ecitizen.gov.sg

When you see a friend in an abusive relationship, there are certain guidelines you should follow, either if your friend approaches you for advice, or if you decide to speak to your friend about it:

  • Talk to your friend and be non-judgmental when discussing the abuse


  • Listen to your friend and believe him/her

  • Let your friend know that violence [or abuse] under any circumstance is unacceptable

  • Express your understanding, care, concern and support

  • Point out your friend's strengths. He/she may not see his/her own abilities because they are blinded by the effects of the abuse.

  • Encourage your friend to speak to a social worker or counselor and offer to go with him/her for support

  • Call the police if the abuse is serious.
Some areas to avoid when you are sharing confidences in terms of abuse:

  • Don't ask blaming questions such as "What did you do to provoke him/her?"

  • Don't pressure your friend into making quick decisions
Please use this information to help those around you. I promise you know someone, if not yourself, in an abusive relationship right now, and you will definitely know someone in the future. Take note. Then do something about it. That is if you care.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

????Questioning????

What is abuse in a relationship?

Any relationship that is emotionally, physically, mentally, economically, or socially unhealthy for one or both people involved.

If my boy/girlfriend constantly makes me feel bad about myself is that abuse?

Yes. This would be considered emotional abuse.

I feel like my boy/girlfriend can't say anything without teasing me, can that be called abuse?

Yes. This would also be considered emotional abuse and is actually one of the most common in relationships and most commonly looked over and labeled as "normal" of abuse characteristics.

If I get in a fight with my boy/girlfriend is that considered abuse?

It depends on the context of the arguement, the actions involved, the length of time it takes for you both to get over it, you communication as work argue and work through it, as well as how often things like this occur in your relationship and much more. But basically, if it happens often--Yes. If there is violence involved--Yes. If there is malicious name calling involved--Yes. etc.

I think that my best friend in an abusive relationship, should I do something or is that like totally not my place? And if I did want to do something what should I do?

You are absolutely in a position to and have the right to try and help, particularly when it involves a loved one, but be careful. There are plenty of sites on the web as well as professionals in your community that can help the advise you on the best approach for your situation. But in the end, the bottomline is that you definitely want to speak up. First, and most particularly, you will want to causally bring it up to your loved one to try and gauge whether or not they see it as a problem. Then you will have a better idea of what expert advice to use.

How do you tell your boy/girlfriend that you think that he/she is being abusive?

This is probably the most difficult part of trying to help an abusive relationship improve and eventually be eliminated. There are many obsticles that lay in the path of a partner that is being abused, but one of the major ones is that typically the other doesn't think that they are being abusive (and note that you should never just come out say blame them for abuse and should try and avoid using the word "abuse" if possible). Also, this one is difficult as well because there is no blanket method for how to address it. Everyone's relationships are different. I would recommend reading up on the topic online and if it is really bad, seek professional help. Only you can gauge how your partner will react and how to handle the situation. Hopefully, if he/she loves and respects you as a person, and cares about spending time with you, you should be able to sit them down and work through these issues so that he/she can see that you care enough to be with them that you would be willing to put yourself out there.

Our friends say that we have a love-hate relationship. Basically we bicker all the time and then make up and have hot make-outs as part of the make-up process. Is that abuse in our relationship?

Bickering is definitely a sign of an unhealthy relationship which can inturn lead to abuse, but depending on the nature of the bickering and the meaning of "all the time" it may or maynot be. As far as the hot and heavy make-out sessions afterward, surprisingly enough for some, this is a characteristic of abuse because it is using physical pleasure to try and mask or erase the previous negative encounter or experience. DISCLAIMER: making-out is not a form of abuse, but the context and reason for the make-out can be. Please, making-out is fun and enjoyable so feel free to use at your will, just becareful to never allow it to be used as a means of one partner getting their way or false/fake apologies.

When we cuddle sometimes he will put his hands slightly under my clothes--not like touching any private parts or anything but...you know. I kinda of feel uncomfortable but at the same time I kinda like it. But then sometimes he accidentally will brush the bottom of my bra line, is that abuse? It's probably against my standards but I haven't really said anything to him about it.

This, along with a million other examples that could be given, is a very difficult one because it depends on what your standards really are and how much you and he truly value them to the extent of how much you are willing to "sacrifice" in your relationship for those standards. Just as with sex, it is consentual until one of the participants says, "NO," and the other partner continues anyway. If there is penetration then it is rape and otherwise it is molestation. This should be brought immediately to the attention of law officials and counseling should be started as soon as possible. But, since you said A. you like it, and B. you haven't told him your standards, you don't really have strong grounds to claim abuse. You should always be upfront about your boundaries, physical, emotional, etc. from the onset of any relationship that way you are both always on the same page.


When we are in public places, sometimes my girlfriend will say things that put me on the spot or embarss me. But actually it happens like all the time. I've talked to her about it and asked her to stop doing it but she still persist. She says she thinks it's funny, but I really don't like it. I love her but it's getting to the point that I don't even really want to go out with her in public or with people I know. Is that abuse?

This is considered abuse and you should try and sit down with her in a setting that is private and speak very seriously to her about this. She needs to know that you are serious and you really need to tell her how all of this makes you feel. Otherwise, if she is not important enough to you to put in this effort and really help her understand you might consider ending the relationship. Someone that truly cares about you really will put in a valiant effort to change.

Can a person really stop abuse from happening again? Like if a person has the tendencies what can really be done to help them? I've know way too many people that were abusive and they always say, "I'm sorry," or "I love you, I promise I'll never do it again," and in the end what happens? Nothing! Overtime they all just end up going back to their old ways.

Abusive can ABSOLUTELY be changed and stopped. The difference between someone that changes and someone that just keeps saying sorry is real intent. Everyone can change ANY behavior, it is just a matter of time, patience, and effort one all sides.

Monday, November 24, 2008

"Hello? You CAN hear me now!"


Ok seriously, cell phones are taking over the world, especially with dating. I understand that the days of good old fashioned courtship, you where the gentleman called on the lady, waited for her in the parlor, and all evening they just chatted away accompanied by a chaperon. And gone are the days of the apparently out of date form of communication known as "the phone call." And welcome to the age of the "text dating society"...what does that even mean?


We seem to be making it easier and easier for people to develop abusive tendencies. Before it was more that you had to be in their presence for things to escalate and for the most part you could get away from communication as long as you weren't home to answer the phone. But now we carry an abuse catalyst around with us in our pockets, purses, and backpacks. Some of the most dangerous are those of us that carry our abuser around in our ears!!! Talk about not being able to get that voice of control out of your head.

In this day and age we are so addicted to technology, we are cutting our own legs out from under ourselves. And it's not like we're only sitting around waiting for the person to call, we want texts, too. All of the sudden our self worth is gauged by how many text messages we do or do not get, particularly after a span of time or event when we weren't able to habitually check our phone. It's like we want to be controlled...we are allowing our phones to control us, why not a person?


Here are some tips from thesafespot.org:
  • Remember, it is always okay to turn off your phone. (Just be sure your parent or guardian knows how to contact you in an emergency.)
  • Do not answer calls from unknown numbers. Your abuser can easily call you from another line if he/she suspects you are avoiding him/her.
  • Do not respond to hostile, harassing, abusive or inappropriate texts or messages. Responding can encourage the person who sent the message. You won’t get the person to stop – and your messages might get you in trouble and make it harder to get a restraining order or file a criminal report.
  • Many phone companies can block up to ten numbers from texting or calling you. Contact your phone company or check their website to see if you can do this on your phone.
  • Remember that pictures on cell phones can be easily shared and distributed. Be careful what images you allow to be taken of you.
  • If you are in or coming out of a dangerous relationship, you should not be using any form of technology to contact your abuser. It can be dangerous and may be used against you in the future.
  • It may seem extreme, but if the abuse and harassment will not stop, changing your phone number may be your best option.
Take control of your life, don't let is be controlled by a bunch of tiny metal pieces strategically placed together inside of a plastic box.

Friday, November 21, 2008

K so I just wanted to add that bottom line, when it all comes down to it, one of the largest inherent flaws with technology and relationships is the lack of emotion. Allow me to expound. It's not to say that when you are typing, texing, or calling that there is no emotion in you associated with or driving the action, but more so that it is often difficult for the person on the recieving end to decifer what you are feeling or with what emotion those things were meant to be expressed. A lot of conversation comes from the tone in your voice and the expressions on your face and though there may be people that disagree, computers don't have hearts, emotions, genuine tone of voice, or faces. They just can't cut it and I can't tell you how many times I have totally misinturpreted a text message or email or chat comment and consequently experienced a moment (or longer) of hurt feelings, confusion, frustration, or my defenses that take ever so long to breakdown shoot right back up and in full force. And all of this only to find out later that the context inwhich I read the comment was most certainly not the context in which it was meant to be interpreted.

There are a lot of things in this life that are said to be "man's best friend" in cliche, i.e. dog, tree, money, technology, etc. But those things, though they may be able to listen, can't respond, express emotion, compliment, hug, kiss ;), truly comfort, or do any of those other things that another human being is divinely designed to do. If we are all honest with ourselves I think that when it really comes down to it most people would agree that we really just want to be loved by another. And in the context of relationships, we all really just want a best friend.

www.Dictionary.com "someone with whom one shares the strongest possible kind of friendship"

And in the end I think we can all learn a little something from the famous words of Freddy Mercury as he sings about his best friend and says, "I want you to know that my feelings are true...you make me live...rain or shine you've stood by me...whenever this world is cruel to me I have you to help me to forgive...I know that I'll never be lonely...I really love you!" I am confident that if he had written that song during this "thumb generation" he would have added a line that said, "not on the phone or through a pc monitor screen, I'm happy you're my best friend!"

If you are really looking for a best friend try talking to him or her...in person. Touch his elbow. Ask her about her best friend. Smile at him. Stratigically place your hand on her lower back as you get the door. Ask him about sports...just do something with a human interest feel to it. I promise 9 times out of 10 you will get so much more out of it.

...maybe even a best friend!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Out of Line Online


Sites like Facebook and Myspace are quickly taking over the world as far as social networking goes and that in large part includes the dating and relationship realm.
  • Harassment on "walls" or in emails and messages as well as comments on photos/videos
  • spreading of rumors is also something that can be done on a wall or as the result of something seen on a wall posting. Emails, messages, and comments apply here as well.
  • sharing of private information, I know I'm being redundant but all of the above works here as well
  • posting of private or "embarassing" photos is probably one of the worst for many people. Luckily for most cases you can at least "un-tag" yourself in photos and they can't be accessed from your account, but what about everyone else's?
  • videos...I don't even want to go there.
These are just a few ways that online social networking has gotten out of line and continues to do so. Granted all of these sites claim that they monitor and most even go as far as to add little buttons that say, "Report this picture," etc. but really, who does that? And when and if someone does report what really happens to the person or thing these reported? They close their account? Well, sad day for them and five minutes later they can just open another under another free email URL and change some of their personal information and vuola! The crazy is back in business.

Here are some ideas from thesafespace.org on how to protect yourself, you know just some precautions, mostly common sense stuff:

Don't:

  • Say or do anything online you wouldn’t in person. It may seem easier when you are not face to face, but this can get you into trouble.
  • Post things you might not want people you don't know seeing and knowing. While phone numbers and addresses obviously let people contact you directly, things like school and team names, landmarks and photos may also make it easier for people to find out where you live, hang out or go to school.
  • Respond to harassing, abusive or inappropriate comments. It won’t make the person stop and it might get you in trouble or put you in danger.
  • Use any form of technology to contact your abuser if you are in or coming out of a dangerous relationship. It can be dangerous and may be used against you in the future.
  • Give your passwords to anyone (except your parent or guardian).
  • Use the same password for all your accounts.

Do:

  • Use the privacy preferences to keep your page as private as you can.
  • Remember, it’s not just about you. If you post information or photos about your friends or family, you may also be putting them at risk.
  • Save or keep a record of all harassing or abusive messages, posts, and comments, in case you decide to tell the police or get a protective order.
  • Choose passwords that are hard to guess and change all passwords regularly.
  • Change your usernames and email addresses if the abuse and harassment will not stop. It may seem extreme but it may be your best option.
  • Report inappropriate behavior to the site administrators.
  • Trust your instincts! If you think something is wrong or are feeling threatened, tell someone who can help you.
If you are being abused or harassed, whether it’s over the phone, online or in person, Break the Cycle can help you learn about your options and legal rights.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

A Male Victim...not just a victim of a Male

Have you ever been hanging around with "the guys" and find yourself thinking, "Man, how do they do that?" or "He can do/beat/solve anything." Then next thing you know all of them are bashing each other, physically AND verbally, and then what? LAUGHTER? What? How does that work? If girls got into it like that somebody wouldn't be talking to someone else for a week. Are guys just immune to that kind of stuff?

NO. Absolutely not. The truth is, though percentage-wise more females are victims of abuse than males, men are often the subject to the same verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse as women. So, why are the stats so variant?

There are many reasons for women to be far out waying the men:

  • Pride
  • They can just take it
  • Embarassment

  • Underreported
  • General population's idea that "only women" are victims of abuse
  • and many many more

What do you think? Do you know anyone that is a victim?...a MALE victim...

For more information see the following references:

University of New Hampshire, “Men are More Likely Than Women to Be Victims in Dating Violence, UNH Expert Says.” http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2006/may/em_060519male.cfm?type=n

Journal of Adolescent Health, “Gender Differences in Dating Aggression Among Multiethnic High School Students” (5/08).http://www.jahonline.org/article/PIIS1054139X07004351/abstract

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


The abuse can take many forms, including physical battering, emotional abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse, and may involve using children, pets, threats, intimidation, and isolation.
Domestic violence affects all types of people, regardless of gender, ethnicity, race, sexual identity, socioeconomic status, and religion. Absue in relationships largely manifests itself in the form of jealously and possessiveness. Sadly, most people teens through adults do not see that they are being abuse or abusive. And abuse can have long lasting or permanent effects such as depression, disruptive behavior, anxiety, and in severe cases, suicide.


Unfortunately, there are many common misconceptions when it comes to classifying what constitutes an absuive relationship. I've posted the following to help clarify. It helped me.