"Hello? You CAN hear me now!"

Ok seriously, cell phones are taking over the world, especially with dating. I understand that the days of good old fashioned courtship, you where the gentleman called on the lady, waited for her in the parlor, and all evening they just chatted away accompanied by a chaperon. And gone are the days of the apparently out of date form of communication known as "the phone call." And welcome to the age of the "text dating society"...what does that even mean?


We seem to be making it easier and easier for people to develop abusive tendencies. Before it was more that you had to be in their presence for things to escalate and for the most part you could get away from communication as long as you weren't home to answer the phone. But now we carry an abuse catalyst around with us in our pockets, purses, and backpacks. Some of the most dangerous are those of us that carry our abuser around in our ears!!! Talk about not being able to get that voice of control out of your head.

In this day and age we are so addicted to technology, we are cutting our own legs out from under ourselves. And it's not like we're only sitting around waiting for the person to call, we want texts, too. All of the sudden our self worth is gauged by how many text messages we do or do not get, particularly after a span of time or event when we weren't able to habitually check our phone. It's like we want to be controlled...we are allowing our phones to control us, why not a person?


Here are some tips from thesafespot.org:

• Remember, it is always okay to turn off your phone. (Just be sure your parent or guardian knows how to contact you in an emergency.)
• Do not answer calls from unknown numbers. Your abuser can easily call you from another line if he/she suspects you are avoiding him/her.
• Do not respond to hostile, harassing, abusive or inappropriate texts or messages. Responding can encourage the person who sent the message. You won’t get the person to stop – and your messages might get you in trouble and make it harder to get a restraining order or file a criminal report.
• Many phone companies can block up to ten numbers from texting or calling you. Contact your phone company or check their website to see if you can do this on your phone.
• Remember that pictures on cell phones can be easily shared and distributed. Be careful what images you allow to be taken of you.
• If you are in or coming out of a dangerous relationship, you should not be using any form of technology to contact your abuser. It can be dangerous and may be used against you in the future.
• It may seem extreme, but if the abuse and harassment will not stop, changing your phone number may be your best option.

Take control of your life, don't let is be controlled by a bunch of tiny metal pieces strategically placed together inside of a plastic box.

K so I just wanted to add that bottom line, when it all comes down to it, one of the largest inherent flaws with technology and relationships is the lack of emotion. Allow me to expound. It's not to say that when you are typing, texing, or calling that there is no emotion in you associated with or driving the action, but more so that it is often difficult for the person on the recieving end to decifer what you are feeling or with what emotion those things were meant to be expressed. A lot of conversation comes from the tone in your voice and the expressions on your face and though there may be people that disagree, computers don't have hearts, emotions, genuine tone of voice, or faces. They just can't cut it and I can't tell you how many times I have totally misinturpreted a text message or email or chat comment and consequently experienced a moment (or longer) of hurt feelings, confusion, frustration, or my defenses that take ever so long to breakdown shoot right back up and in full force. And all of this only to find out later that the context inwhich I read the comment was most certainly not the context in which it was meant to be interpreted.

There are a lot of things in this life that are said to be "man's best friend" in cliche, i.e. dog, tree, money, technology, etc. But those things, though they may be able to listen, can't respond, express emotion, compliment, hug, kiss ;), truly comfort, or do any of those other things that another human being is divinely designed to do. If we are all honest with ourselves I think that when it really comes down to it most people would agree that we really just want to be loved by another. And in the context of relationships, we all really just want a best friend.

www.Dictionary.com "someone with whom one shares the strongest possible kind of friendship"

And in the end I think we can all learn a little something from the famous words of Freddy Mercury as he sings about his best friend and says, "I want you to know that my feelings are true...you make me live...rain or shine you've stood by me...whenever this world is cruel to me I have you to help me to forgive...I know that I'll never be lonely...I really love you!" I am confident that if he had written that song during this "thumb generation" he would have added a line that said, "not on the phone or through a pc monitor screen, I'm happy you're my best friend!"

If you are really looking for a best friend try talking to him or her...in person. Touch his elbow. Ask her about her best friend. Smile at him. Stratigically place your hand on her lower back as you get the door. Ask him about sports...just do something with a human interest feel to it. I promise 9 times out of 10 you will get so much more out of it.

...maybe even a best friend!

Out of Line Online

Sites like Facebook and Myspace are quickly taking over the world as far as social networking goes and that in large part includes the dating and relationship realm.

• Harassment on "walls" or in emails and messages as well as comments on photos/videos
  
• spreading of rumors is also something that can be done on a wall or as the result of something seen on a wall posting. Emails, messages, and comments apply here as well.
  
• sharing of private information, I know I'm being redundant but all of the above works here as well
• posting of private or "embarassing" photos is probably one of the worst for many people. Luckily for most cases you can at least "un-tag" yourself in photos and they can't be accessed from your account, but what about everyone else's?
  
• videos...I don't even want to go there.

These are just a few ways that online social networking has gotten out of line and continues to do so. Granted all of these sites claim that they monitor and most even go as far as to add little buttons that say, "Report this picture," etc. but really, who does that? And when and if someone does report what really happens to the person or thing these reported? They close their account? Well, sad day for them and five minutes later they can just open another under another free email URL and change some of their personal information and vuola! The crazy is back in business.

Here are some ideas from thesafespace.org on how to protect yourself, you know just some precautions, mostly common sense stuff:

Don't:

• Say or do anything online you wouldn’t in person. It may seem easier when you are not face to face, but this can get you into trouble.
• Post things you might not want people you don't know seeing and knowing. While phone numbers and addresses obviously let people contact you directly, things like school and team names, landmarks and photos may also make it easier for people to find out where you live, hang out or go to school.
• Respond to harassing, abusive or inappropriate comments. It won’t make the person stop and it might get you in trouble or put you in danger.
• Use any form of technology to contact your abuser if you are in or coming out of a dangerous relationship. It can be dangerous and may be used against you in the future.
• Give your passwords to anyone (except your parent or guardian).
• Use the same password for all your accounts.

Do:

• Use the privacy preferences to keep your page as private as you can.
• Remember, it’s not just about you. If you post information or photos about your friends or family, you may also be putting them at risk.
• Save or keep a record of all harassing or abusive messages, posts, and comments, in case you decide to tell the police or get a protective order.
• Choose passwords that are hard to guess and change all passwords regularly.
• Change your usernames and email addresses if the abuse and harassment will not stop. It may seem extreme but it may be your best option.
• Report inappropriate behavior to the site administrators.
• Trust your instincts! If you think something is wrong or are feeling threatened, tell someone who can help you.

If you are being abused or harassed, whether it’s over the phone, online or in person, Break the Cycle can help you learn about your options and legal rights.

A Male Victim...not just a victim of a Male

Have you ever been hanging around with "the guys" and find yourself thinking, "Man, how do they do that?" or "He can do/beat/solve anything." Then next thing you know all of them are bashing each other, physically AND verbally, and then what? LAUGHTER? What? How does that work? If girls got into it like that somebody wouldn't be talking to someone else for a week. Are guys just immune to that kind of stuff?

NO. Absolutely not. The truth is, though percentage-wise more females are victims of abuse than males, men are often the subject to the same verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse as women. So, why are the stats so variant?

There are many reasons for women to be far out waying the men:

• Pride
• They can just take it
• Embarassment


• Underreported
• General population's idea that "only women" are victims of abuse
• and many many more

What do you think? Do you know anyone that is a victim?...a MALE victim...

For more information see the following references:

University of New Hampshire, “Men are More Likely Than Women to Be Victims in Dating Violence, UNH Expert Says.” http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2006/may/em_060519male.cfm?type=n

Journal of Adolescent Health, “Gender Differences in Dating Aggression Among Multiethnic High School Students” (5/08).http://www.jahonline.org/article/PIIS1054139X07004351/abstract